“That’s Just How They’ve Always Been” Is Not an Excuse — It’s a Cop-Out

You’ve probably heard it before — maybe at a family dinner, in conversation with a friend, or when confronting someone about a problematic relative:

“That’s just how they’ve been their whole life.”

I heard this so much recently about my husband’s mother and her behavior during this entire ordeal since he passed.

It’s meant to be the end of the conversation. A way to dodge discomfort. A way to excuse someone — often someone older — from reflection, accountability, or change. But here’s the truth:

> That phrase isn’t a defense — it’s a dismissal.
It’s not a justification — it’s a way of saying, “They never cared enough to grow.”

And we need to stop using it.


The Lie We Tell Ourselves About Change

The unspoken belief behind that phrase is this: that people, especially as they get older, become fixed in their ways. That change is for the young. That you can’t teach an old dog new tricks.

But that’s not how human beings work.

We are biologically, emotionally, and spiritually built for growth. The brain remains capable of forming new pathways well into old age. Emotional intelligence can deepen with time. Empathy can be learned. Old patterns can be broken.

What can’t happen, though, is change without willingness. And that’s what this excuse really reveals:

Not that someone couldn’t change — but that they never tried.

The Real Meaning Behind the Excuse

Let’s get honest about what “That’s just how they’ve always been” actually means:

“They’ve been allowed to act this way without consequences.”

“We’ve normalized their behavior because it’s easier than confronting it.”

“They’ve never been held to a higher standard.”

“They’ve chosen comfort over growth, time and time again.”


We don’t say it because it’s true. We say it because it’s familiar. Because it saves us from conflict. Because challenging someone we love — especially someone older — feels daunting, or even disrespectful.

But is it really more respectful to treat someone as incapable of growth?


Harm Doesn’t Expire with Age

Let’s be clear: harmful behavior doesn’t get a free pass because it’s been happening for a long time. In fact, the longer it’s gone unaddressed, the more damage it likely caused — to relationships, families, communities, and even to the person themselves.

Here’s what this excuse does:

It invalidates the impact of someone’s behavior just because it’s familiar.

It shuts down important conversations that could lead to healing.

It robs people of their responsibility — and their potential to grow.


And most of all, it teaches younger generations that accountability has an expiration date.

“They’re Too Old to Change” Is a Myth

This one comes up often, the idea that it’s too late to change, or that older people are set in their ways. But if we believe that, we are not showing respect. We are reducing entire lives into immovable traits.

There are some elders who educate themselves on their behaviors in their elder years honestly shows that they want to change but then there are others that just feel they have a right to continue their toxic behaviors until they are passed away.

If someone hasn’t changed, it’s not because they’re too old — it’s because they haven’t wanted to.


What We Can Say Instead

So how do we respond to these patterns without being cruel or dismissive? Here are a few ways to reframe the conversation:

“I understand that’s been their pattern — but that doesn’t make it okay.”

“They’ve had a lifetime to learn better. It’s not too late to do better.”

“If they’ve never been challenged, maybe it’s time.”

“I love them, but I won’t enable harmful behavior just to keep the peace.”

Accountability ≠ Disrespect

Calling someone out, or calling someone in, isn’t about shame. It’s about growth. It’s about holding people to the belief that they are capable of more — even if they’ve never shown it before.

We can love people and still ask them to do better.
We can honor someone’s age without excusing the harm they’ve caused.
We can be compassionate and courageous.


Final Thought

The next time someone says,
“That’s just how they’ve always been,”
ask yourself:

“And how much better could they have been — if someone had expected more of them?”


Growth doesn’t have a deadline. Let’s stop pretending it does.